No, it definitely wasn't a shortage of stories. My absence was because the Lord has been dealing with me and humbling me yet again. Back in March I wrote a post titled Dash of Crazy. The whole point of that post was to share a new adventure the Lord was leading us on. We had signed up to host a child from China in our home for one month and advocate for him to be adopted. We had our homestudy done and submitted. We prepared our home to welcome William to the Wilson's. Everything fell into place and it seemed the Lord allowed it all to happen in just the right time.
But I need to hit pause on that part of the story and fill you in on one little detail.
Up to this point in time, every blog post I had written was getting an average of 500 hits and one time it hit 1000. I know this is a small number compared to the big time bloggers but for me this was a big deal and I was a little excited. I couldn't believe people actually wanted to read what I wrote. Well when I wrote Dash of Crazy the number quickly went past 1000 and soon doubled to over 2000 hits! I checked it so many times the day I published it and the days following because I wanted to see if it had gotten any higher. I was so excited to write another blog post because I thought to myself, "It can only go up from here." (as I silently patted myself on the back)
I'm sure the Lord was shaking His head as he watched me write that next post because He could see right into my heart. Yes, the words were genuine but the motive was wrong. I had forsaken my first love, I was writing not for Him but for the reward and honor of man. The next post, only had 200 hits. Talk about eating humble pie.
I know no one else saw those numbers and no one else saw the pride welling up inside of me when I was watching those numbers rise and soaking up every compliment, but the Lord saw and He hates pride. Little did I know but that post was only the beginning of this humbling season. About a month later we received word that William's trip was going to be cut short and now he would only be allowed to stay for two weeks. A week after that we learned the children wouldn't be coming at all. We still tried to advocate for him but it was official, William wasn't coming.
"Why Lord? Did we hear you wrong?"
No answer.
Over the course of the next six months similar things continued to happen. We would see a door beginning to open towards the calling we know the Lord has given to us and each door was slammed in our face. Every avenue of ministry we tried to pursue we were met with a polite response telling us we weren't really needed or not the right fit. After a few of these occurrences you begin to ask yourself some questions. What is wrong with us? We want to serve. Why does no one want us? We love Jesus. We want to spread the Gospel to the ends of the earth. We want to be missionaries. We want to be in Africa.
"Why God are you holding us back?"
No Answer.
So I didn't write. Instead the Lord has been drawing me back to the secret place. He's been whispering to my heart in the early hours of the morning when I just sit with Him. And slowly He has been showing me why the last eight months He has been taking me on this journey. A journey of feeling insignificant, mundane and unseen. A journey of humility, because the Lord disciplines those he loves. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:6 & 11)
He's been reminding me how He weighs the motives of my heart. If my heart seeks the reward and honor of men then that is all the reward I will receive. But whatever I do whether in word or in deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus (Colossians 3:16) and He who sees what is done in secret will reward you openly. (Matthew 6:6)
Do I still love your comments? Do I still love to see all the hits on my blog? Yes! They encourage my heart more than you know, but at the end of the day I want HIS reward! I want to lift my hands with a pure heart. I want to offer every gift He has given me as a sacrifice of thanksgiving. Because the Word is clear. All the things we do on this Earth, whether good or evil will be judged. Not only what we do, but the motives behind them. I want to build my life and ministry on the foundation of Jesus "because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work... If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward."
(1 Corinthians 3:13-14)
The only way my heart and my motives can be pure is when I spend time with Him. When I spend more time with Him than with the opinions of the world. When I allow Him to have access to every part of my heart and I don't rush in and out of the secret place, just to check it off my to do list. He loves it when I just sit with Him, with no agenda and no rush.
I have been falling in love with Jesus all over again. He is whispering to my heart, you are not insignificant or mundane. You are mine and I'm jealous for you. Yes I created and called you to do amazing things in my Name but don't ever trade those things for this, for sitting at my feet and loving on Me.
Just stay a little longer.
P.S. This is one of my favorite songs and I pray as you listen to the words it draws you to meet Him in the secret place today. He loves you and He wants to be with you.......just you.
